Two weeks ago I was awesome. I pulled off an amazing birthday party for my daughter at Jamberoo. I dragged an entire ‘My Little Pony’ themed party from Sydney to the South Coast. When we got home we googled how eye balls work and talked about how amazing the human brain is. Two weeks ago I was formulating goal based individual training plans with my team members. I was offering out of the box solutions to my clients. Two weeks ago I was sourcing amazing prizes for the WiS/SCA Share the Dignity raffle, and dropping off bags to charities in need. Two weeks ago I was useful. Productive. A mother, a mentor, a manager, a giver.
This week I am nothing. The Saturday before last, while being the awesome fun Mum that I am, I bent over to swing my daughter (who is a featherweight I might add) into the air. The result was excruciating pain. A blood curdling scream and what turns out to be two herniated discs, both irritating nerves in my spine.
This week I cannot sit or stand for more than twenty minutes at a time. I cannot bend down. I cannot pick up something I drop. I have not been in the office to mentor. I cannot take my daughter swimming. I cannot cook my partner amazing dinners, or clean my beloved Guiana Pigs cage. I feel reduced to nothing and above all I feel SO MUCH GUILT.
I don’t think I am alone in trying to be everything to everyone. And I suspect this is a trait found more in women than men. We want to conquer and comfort at the same time. Make sure everyone we know, everyone we love, everyone we think relies on us has everything they need. We take on so much. And when we can’t, for whatever reason, we feel deep guilt.
Yesterday afternoon I spent a few hours in the office, and you know what? Everyone was fine. Better than fine, everything was great. Yesterday I planned a quiet but fun weekend with my daughter. She was excited for a relaxing ‘Pajama’ day, cause ‘Mum, we always just do so much’, Yesterday I apologised to my partner that he needs to do, well everything. He smiled, and with genuine care and love said he didn’t mind a bit.
And at 2am last night (this morning) I let go of feeling guilty. Because life happens, and in that, things can go wrong. But they also continue. My daughter will not suffer from a weekend less active than usual. The team of stars I work with are stars with or without me. The charity has many amazing supporters besides me, and well I am loved and it is ok to need help.
Oh, and as for those amazing raffle prizes for those lucky enough to have scored tickets to the sold out SCA/WiS event…lets just say, you’ll want to buy tickets. $2 each or $10 for 7 (buy the 7, it’s for Share the Dignity after all).
and to Leesa Maree, Imagineer, for vouchers for your very own personlised insulted bottle and journal set.
Three prizes up for grabs at each high tea session, trust me, you want to win these prizes.